Torq's Ticklers

[|MYT|Alexis]

Heheheheheee Torq

There is a blind man here to see you........


A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower. "There is a blind man to see you," she says. "Well, if he is a blind man, than it does not matter if I'm in the shower. Send him in."

The blind man walks into the bathroom, and mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them. She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts: "That's nice and all, ma'am, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds?

[|MYT|Torq]

Nice One Alexis

Another little tickler from Me

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean .... it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded ''No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?

[CodeBlack]

hahaha... both are funny

[|MYT|Torq]

A LONG TICKLER

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. For those of you who have lived in Natal , you know how typical this is. They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB.


Judge 3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting from America . Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted". Here are the scorecard notes from the event: CURRY 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...

Judge 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild. Judge 3 (Frank) -- Holy sh*t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy. CHILLI 2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...

Judge 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chilli tang. Judge 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver! They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CURRY 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY...

Judge 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick. Judge 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chilli peppers. Judge 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uranium pill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting p*ssed from all the beer.

CHILLI 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY.

Judge 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry. Judge 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an phrodisiac?

CHILLI 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the chilli peppers make a strong statement. Judge 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really p*sses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Scr*w them.

CHILLI 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. Judge 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I am definitely going to sh*t myself if I fart and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore I need to wipe my ar*e with a snow cone ice-cream.

CHILLI 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...

Judge 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that I am worried about Judge 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably). Judge 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing - it's too painful. Scr*w it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILLI 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...

Judge 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot curry?

Judge 3 - No Report

[|MYT|Cger]

i read that one again yesterday too
still good

but when you start a new line after what one jugde said its a lot easier too read

[|MYT|Torq]

More Ticklers

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor.


Sometimes the bull wins.

[|MYT|Torq]

Stressed Out

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly , the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, 'I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.' I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-platedChristian fish emblem on the trunk; naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car.'

[|MYT|Torq]

Tiger Woods and all that...

"Tiger"



The Honeymoon

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make,I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods. To find out what the par is for this damn hole."

[|MYT|Torq]

ANOTHER Naughty


A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out to disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. 'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird, “Moses”?'

'The kind of people who would name their Rottweiler “Jesus”.'

[|MYT|Alexis]

hahahahaaa Torq


Writing to Grandma



A little boy wrote this letter to his grandmother:

Dear Grandmother,

I'm sorry I forgot your birthday last week. It would serve me right if you forgot mine next Tuesday.

With love,
Mike

[|MYT|Torq]

Nice One Alexis


Another :


Two Woodpeckers...


A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing
about which country had the toughest trees.. The Mexican woodpecker
claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.


The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a
hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a
tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used
by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he
could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully
pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a
sweat...

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian
woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker
was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the
tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said, your pecker gets harder
when you're away from home.

[|MYT|Alexis]

LOL Torq


Sweetheart

A fellow was invited to the home of some old friends for dinner.

His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

The guest was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his friend,

"I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those lovely names."

The old guy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."




Irish Shopping


McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each
time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.

When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"' Scuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had
done, "what was that all about?"

"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives.!!!!

[|MYT|Torq]

A Little One lol


A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady
recognizes him as real Rugby player.
They start to talk and eventually go back to his place.

They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt.
On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.

"What's that for?" the lady questions.

"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV,
people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."

Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his
leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.

'What's that ?' the lady questions again.

"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid
when this tattoo is seen on TV."

Then the man drops his underwear and on his
penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.

The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!"

The man replies: "No, no.....!!! Calm down,"
"It will say ADIDAS in a minute............!!!"

[|MYT|Alexis]

[CodeBlack]

hahaha

nice one torqy mate