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Torq's Ticklers 
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MYT friend
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|MYT|Hest wrote:
another from my friend :twisted:

A boy is crying while watching TV.
Mum: What's wrong?
Boy: Justin Bieber just got shot on CSI!
Mum: Aww, honey, it's not real, he's still alive...
Boy: That's why I'm crying.

:lol:

Saw that one on fb :P ...

|MYT|Alexis wrote:
OMG... dsfjoeirutijfds893247dfd asfopg=-=.,vcmb Sorry.. There was a cockroach on my keyboard.... :shock: :o

REPAIR...



Bic Lighter

A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter.
The first guy says “Wow, that’s a huge lighter…where did you get it?”
The guy replies “A genie from this bottle granted me one wish.”
“Great, can I try it?”
“Sure.”
The first guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. “You are granted one wish” says the genie.
The guy says, “I want a million bucks!”
“Done” says the genie and disappears.
A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and in come pouring in ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door.

"I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12" Bic?"

Bad cockroach :P ...

And lol ...


12 Mar 2011, 21:43
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Good one... Hest :lol:

hahaha yes Wes... Bad cockroach and a Little Wine :P LOL



Two friends:

- I heard that you have made a band.
- Yes, it's a quartet.
- How many of you are there?
- There are three.
- Three?
- Me and my brother.
- You have a brother?
- No, why do you ask?




How Was I Born


Little Johnny asks:


- Daddy, how was I born?

- Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You've Got Male!


13 Mar 2011, 09:39
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Two blondes lock thier keys in the car. One of the blondes tries to break into the car while the the other one watches.

Finally the first blonde says "Darn, I can't get in the car!" The other blond replies, "keep trying, it looks like it is going to rain and the top is down"


26 Mar 2011, 17:35
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Not too funny but still not bad.
The cool guy and the coop

cop:Good day can i have your license please?
cool guy:Sure-the cool guy gives license to the cop.
cop:Sorry your license is outdated
cool guy:WTF???
cop:And 5 years already.I will have to take your car and $500 cash.
cool guy takes his 9mm SMG and aims at cops head.
cop:Please put down your weapon!
cool guy:Why should i you f***** bitch?
cop takes his m4 and says:
Sorry you didint hear me?
cool guy:Die bitch!
cop shoots cool guy...
Cop arives to the police department and says:
Sorry i late to the donut party.


20 Apr 2011, 14:05
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Blonde Counselor...........


A blonde began a job as an elementary school counselor, and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a boy standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer.

She approached and asked if he was alright. The boy said he was.

A little while later however, she noticed the boy was in the same spot, still by himself. Approaching again, the blonde said, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The boy hesitated, then said, "Okay", looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, she then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone? Why don't you go and join those boys playing soccer over there?"

"Because," the little boy said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"


22 Apr 2011, 09:07
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One from my Friend.........


Male friendship.....

Husband comes home in the morning.
Wife:
-Where have you been ???!!!
Husband:
-I was with a friend, and slept at his home
Wife calls 10 of his friends: 6 friends said that he was with them, and slept in their home, 4 friend said that he still sleeps lol
:lol:


30 Apr 2011, 20:48
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|MYT|Alexis wrote:
One from my Friend.........


Male friendship.....

Husband comes home in the morning.
Wife:
-Where have you been ???!!!
Husband:
-I was with a friend, and slept at his home
Wife calls 10 of his friends: 6 friends said that he was with them, and slept in their home, 4 friend said that he still sleeps lol
:lol:

Yeah friends are great :p


30 Apr 2011, 21:03
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Jumbo jet is making its final approach to Coolangatta Airport .
>
> The pilot comes on the intercom, 'This is your Captain.
> We're on our final descent into Coolangatta . I want to thank you for
> flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay on the Gold Coast.
>
> He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear
> his conversation from the cockpit.
> The co-pilot can be heard saying to the pilot,
> 'So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're on the Gold Coast?'
>
> 'Well,' says the skipper, 'first I'm gonna check into the hotel,
> take a big crap....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the
> huge tits out for dinner....
>
> I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride
>
> on the baloney-pony all night long.'
>
> Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately
> begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this
> new stewardess is
>
> that the pilot's talking about.
>
> Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane.
> She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to
>
> turn the intercom off.
>
> Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag, and down she goes.
> The old lady leans over and says: 'No need to hurry, dear.............
>
> He's gotta land the plane and take a crap first


06 Jun 2011, 09:51
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Are You Really Sure?


A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."


--------------------------------------------------


Blonde Car Accident


One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"


21 Jul 2011, 15:09
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A Little Tickler :

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


26 Oct 2011, 10:51
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ANOTHER TICKLER


A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:


Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint..

A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:


Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong Letter of complaint..
A few days later he gets a very small Parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:


Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse And go as a toffee apple.


25 Nov 2011, 16:43
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Little Ticklers



Turpentine vs Holy Water


A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine. He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy said, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called Turpentine.'

The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'

The little boy replied, 'If you rub turpentine on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson!'


<><><>

Aviation Joke

A drop dead gorgeous female police officer arrested a Air Force pilot for drunk driving in the wee morning hours of New Years day.

She told the aviator, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say, can and will be held against you.."

The Chopper pilot looked at her and said, "Tits.."

lol

<><><>


18 Apr 2012, 20:59
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|MYT|Torq wrote:
JOKE A LARTUS 1

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"
She smiles and they start kissing.

Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of chardonnay and pours it on her breasts.
"Pierre! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"
She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up.

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me much lower!"
Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in on her lap. He then strikes a match and sets the cognac on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE F - - K DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"

Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"

What a guy!!!



thankfully it was not more direct, if not a tragedy could happen

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19 Apr 2012, 11:02
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Another Tickler

MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WOMAN !!

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.

The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman, in particular, loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.

'I'm too young to die,' she wails.

Then she yells, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth
to be memorable!

Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.

They all stare, eyes riveted, at this desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a Jackeroo from Australia stands up in the rear of the plane.

He is handsome, well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes.

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one
button at a time.

No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.

She gasps. >> >>


He whispers . .

'Iron this. Then get me a beer'.


10 May 2012, 21:34
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:oups: UUUUU Torq this read like soft porn, wtf are you writing m8 ...... for real i think your cat has a bad influencen on your mood :knockit:

The doctor

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11 May 2012, 14:21
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