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Torq's Ticklers 
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Scared sleeping


Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. "you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever

come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"


20 May 2012, 18:51
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A Little Tickler


A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
As a Queensland policeman walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, 'I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Policemen's Ball.'
He replied, 'Queensland Police don't have balls.'

There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said.
He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left..
She was laughing too hard to start her car.


10 Jul 2012, 09:03
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Food for thought lol

Jess dont shoot me :)


I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics. Finally I thought about an age old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women believe that giving birth must be way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.

Time for another beer.



What deep thinkers we men are...


21 Mar 2013, 21:05
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Library Complaint


Judi stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"

"Yes, ma'am?"

"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"

"What was wrong with it?"

"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"

The librarian nodded and said, "Ah. So you must be the person who took our phone book."


14 Jul 2013, 09:31
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A Scot from Aberdeen was on holiday in London and every night he returned to his hotel full of the wonders of the city. So much so that another guest asked: 'Is this your first visit?'
'Aye, it is.'
'You seem to be having a great time.'
'Aye, I am that.'
'Good.'
'And what's more, it's not just a holiday. It's my honeymoon as well.'
'Oh. Then where's your wife?'
'Och. She's been here before.'


05 Sep 2013, 19:09
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A little ticker from me :)

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved
forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again......
back and forth... back and forth..... in and out.......

She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and
trickling down the small of her back. She was getting near to the
end. Her heart was pounding..... Her face was flushed.....

Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and
shouted,
"Okay, Okay !! I can’t park the car !!! You do it, you smug bastard !!!!!"


05 Nov 2013, 14:32
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MAN ON PHONE: "How long does it take to fly to Hong Kong?"
TRAVEL AGENT: "Just a minute, sir. . ."
MAN ON PHONE: "Thanks very much".


18 Nov 2013, 20:09
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|MYT|Alexis wrote:
MAN ON PHONE: "How long does it take to fly to Hong Kong?"
TRAVEL AGENT: "Just a minute, sir. . ."
MAN ON PHONE: "Thanks very much".


:hahahaha:

Nice one


21 Nov 2013, 16:13
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Husband messaged to his wife: Dear, I am just having my last glass of beer and coming home within 40 minutes and if i don't reach, Pl read same message again.


09 Jan 2014, 13:29
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Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Snow.
Snow who?
Snow joke standing out here in the cold.


26 Jan 2014, 10:34
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Girl to Boy: Can you help me?
Boy: Yes, tell me your problem?
Girl: I do not have an internet access at my home computer.
So can you copy it on my pen drive?


31 Jan 2014, 12:52
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Man to doctor: I have one problem..
Doctor.: what?
Man: I can't see the person whom i am talking..
Doctor: when you face this problem??
Man: while talking on the phone. !!!


19 Apr 2014, 17:04
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You have all heard of smart arses

Here are some answers :


SMART ARSE ANSWER 5

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row. "What are my choices?" the man asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.



SMART ARSE ANSWER 4

A lady was picking through the frozen Chickens at a Woolworths store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a passing assistant, "Do these Chickens get any bigger?"
The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."



SMART ARSE ANSWER 3

The policeman got out of his car and the teenager he stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the Cop said. The kid replied, "Well I got here as fast as I could."
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.



SMART ARSE ANSWER 2

A truck driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars were backed up for miles. Finally, a police car arrived. The policeman got out of his car and walked to the truck's cab and said to the driver, "Got stuck, eh?"
The truck driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel!"




SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR

A teacher at West Australian High School reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam. "Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-arsed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand."


29 Apr 2014, 13:11
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Medical Definitions

Distinction between Guts and Balls

To those of you who are nit-pickers about the meaning of words: there is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls, but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - is arriving home late, after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask, “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, and slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say, “You're next, Chubby.”

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.


28 Jun 2014, 22:13
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What is intelligence?



Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."

So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, ‘intelligence'?"

The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."


29 Jul 2014, 15:50
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