It is currently 15 Dec 2018, 02:21




Reply to topic  [ 431 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 25, 26, 27, 28, 29
Torq's Ticklers 
Author Message
Senior Member
User avatar

Joined: 08 Sep 2007, 18:46
Posts: 889
Location: Universe
Reply with quote
The Wife And The Wine


A woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she says, "I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you."

Her husband asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?"

She replies, "It's me...talking to the wine."


13 Oct 2014, 17:58
Profile
Clan Leader
User avatar

Joined: 23 Jun 2006, 17:58
Posts: 5342
Location: UK
Reply with quote
|MYT|Alexis wrote:
The Wife And The Wine


A woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she says, "I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you."

Her husband asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?"

She replies, "It's me...talking to the wine."


:g1: :P


19 Oct 2014, 08:07
Profile
Clan Leader
User avatar

Joined: 23 Jun 2006, 17:58
Posts: 5342
Location: UK
Reply with quote
Johnny returns :

Little Johnny's teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.

To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers. Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'.

'Very good', says the teacher.

Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'.

'Excellent.'

Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.

'I had bugger all', he says, ' B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L'.

The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.

Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.

Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada ... Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada's east coast.

When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.


Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'

Johnny ponders the question and finally says, "The Pakistani border is in bed with my mother.


That's why I got bugger all for breakfast'.


20 Oct 2014, 10:33
Profile
Senior Member
User avatar

Joined: 08 Sep 2007, 18:46
Posts: 889
Location: Universe
Reply with quote
A guy was driving in a car with a blonde. He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked. She stuck her head out and said, "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes..."


20 Apr 2015, 18:06
Profile
Senior Member
User avatar

Joined: 08 Sep 2007, 18:46
Posts: 889
Location: Universe
Reply with quote
Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"


20 Apr 2015, 18:07
Profile
Senior Member
User avatar

Joined: 08 Sep 2007, 18:46
Posts: 889
Location: Universe
Reply with quote
"Jean, go watering the lawn !!"
"But, Lord, it rains !?"
"Never mind, take your umbrella !!"


"Jean, bring me the piano."
"Why, sir?"
"I forgot to him a cigar."


07 May 2015, 16:59
Profile
Clan Leader
User avatar

Joined: 23 Jun 2006, 17:58
Posts: 5342
Location: UK
Reply with quote
I think at one time or other this little ditty resonates with us all .

<><><>


Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the River Thames .

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how
you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age.
We were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down at the car park by the Houses of Parliament.'

'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock
the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shi t out of
them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not
getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shi t
out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase.

<><><>


12 Sep 2015, 12:30
Profile
Clan Leader
User avatar

Joined: 23 Jun 2006, 17:58
Posts: 5342
Location: UK
Reply with quote
LITTLE JOHNNY IS BACK

The teacher asked the class to use the word fascinate in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating

The teacher said, That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating. Sally raised her hand. She said, My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.

The teacher said, Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate. Little Johnny raised his hand.

The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word fascinate so she called on him.

Johnny said, My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!
The teacher sat down and cried.


05 Nov 2015, 15:50
Profile
Ex-MYT
User avatar

Joined: 26 Apr 2012, 18:10
Posts: 1986
Location: Hungary
Reply with quote
|MYT|Torq wrote:
LITTLE JOHNNY IS BACK

The teacher asked the class to use the word fascinate in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating

The teacher said, That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating. Sally raised her hand. She said, My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.

The teacher said, Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate. Little Johnny raised his hand.

The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word fascinate so she called on him.

Johnny said, My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!
The teacher sat down and cried.

:hahahaha:

_________________
Mazso


05 Nov 2015, 18:48
Profile
Senior Member
User avatar

Joined: 08 Sep 2007, 18:46
Posts: 889
Location: Universe
Reply with quote
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.


21 Mar 2016, 19:55
Profile
Clan Leader
User avatar

Joined: 23 Jun 2006, 17:58
Posts: 5342
Location: UK
Reply with quote
I doubt the ppl who wrote there complaints ment to say the following, but they did.

Only in Britain -Complaints to Councils
Extracts from letters written by council tenants:

1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4.. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.


17 May 2016, 08:23
Profile
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Reply to topic   [ 431 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 25, 26, 27, 28, 29

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 6 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Jump to:  
cron
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group
Designed by ST Software.