Torq's Ticklers

[Bagwell]

Drunken Reincarnation


James, as usual, came home really late one Saturday night after being at the bar all night drinking. Not only was he drunk, he was sloppy drunk. He carefully crept into bed next his wife, who fell sleep angry hours earlier, and gave her a goodnight kiss on the check in hopes that she wouldn??™t wake up.

He awoke in the middle of the night to a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. ???Who the hell are you,??? demanded James, ???and what are you doing in my bedroom???? The mysterious man answered ???This is not your bedroom, and my name is St. Peter???.

James didn??™t take the news so well??¦ ???You mean I??™m dead! That can??™t be, I have so much to live for, I haven??™t even said goodbye to my family??¦ you??™ve got to send me back right away!???

St. Peter replied ???You cannot go back as you were, you have passed away James. However, you can be reincarnated - but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.??? James was devastated, but knowing that there was a farm just down the road from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking at corn on the ground. ???This ain??™t so bad,??? he thought until he felt a strange feeling churning inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said ???So you??™re the new hen, huh? How are you enjoying your first day here???? ???It??™s not so bad??? replies James, ???but I have this strange feeling inside like I??™m about to explode???. ???You??™re ovulating??? explained the rooster, ???haven??™t you ever laid an egg before????

???Never??? replies James.

???Well just relax and let it happen.???

And so he did, and just a few uncomfortable seconds later an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him - emotions got the better of him as he experienced the joy motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him??¦ ever!

The joy of motherhood continued to build and, just as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shout ???James, wake up you drunken bas*ard, you??™re sh*tting the bed!???

[Bagwell]

Drunk poker

A man walked into a bar room one day. He walked up to the bartender and said, ???Bartender, I??™d like to buy the house a round of drinks???. The bartender said, ???No problem sir, but I??™ll need to see some money first???. The guy pulls out a huge wad of bills and sets them on the bar. Well, the bartender can??™t believe what he??™s seeing. ???Where did you get all that money????, asked the bartender. ???I??™m a professional gambler???, replied the man. The bartender said, ???There??™s no such thing! I mean, your odds are 50-50 at best, right????. ???Well, I only bet on sure things??? said the guy.

???Like what???? asked the bartender. ???Well, for example, I??™ll bet you $50 that I can bite my right eye.??? The bartender thought about it. ???OK???. So, the guy pulls out his false right eye and bites it. ???Aw, you screwed me???, said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50. ???I??™ll give you another chance. I??™ll bet you another $50 that I can bite my LEFT eye??? said the stranger. The bartender thought again and said, ???Well, I know you??™re not blind, I mean I watched you walk in here. I??™ll take that bet???. So, the guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his left eye. ???Aw, you screwed me again???. ???That??™s how I win so much money, bartender. I??™ll just take a bottle of your best scotch in leiu of the $100???, said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. The guy, drunk as a skunk, said, ???Bartender, I??™ll give you one last chance. I??™ll bet you $500 that I can stand on this bar here on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop???.

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn??™t even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. ???OK, you??™re on???. The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, ???Hey pal, you owe me $500!???. The guy climbed down off the bar and said, ???That??™s OK. I just bet each of the guys in the poker room $1000 that I could piss all over you AND the bar AND still make you laugh!???.

[Taran]

It was professor smith's first day at St. Johns medical college as a faculty. Known for his teaching excellence, he made his entry into a classroom of 1st year medical students, where he received a warm welcome from the students, followed by their intro..

To start with, he planned to put forth a question to the class. He said, "Well students, before we start off with today's lecture, let me ask you a simple question on human anatomy".

He gazed across the classroom, spotted a female student Suzie, and said, "Tell me Suzie, which part of the human body grows 10 times its original size when excited?"


Hearing this question, Suzie's face grew pale in embarrassment, she replied:" you should be ashamed to ask such a question to a female. I am sorry, but I can't answer your, this question".

Thwarted by the girl's reply, professor smith rolled on his sight around the classroom afresh, to find out if there was anyone else who could satisfy his query.

This time he located a male student Henry, who had already raised his hand in affirmation to answer the question, and allowed the lad to go ahead.

Henry answered: "pupil of a human eye".

The professor applauded for the boy's accurate answer; then turned back to Suzie and said: "look, Suzie, I am sorry but, I must tell you a couple of things:
(1) You lack knowledge
(2) you have a dirty mind and
(3) Your Expectations are too high !!!!!!!(10 times ..........huh......MY GOD!!)

[Taran]

A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit, She instructed her son to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to his daddy who was on site.

After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that there was a lady that picked up daddy's phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile.


She waited impatiently for her husband to return from work and upon seeing him in the driveway, she rushed out and gave him a tight slap, and she slapped him again, for good measure.

People from the neighborhood rushed around to find out what the cause of the commotion was.

The woman asked junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called.

Junior said

"The subscriber you have dialed is not available at present. Please Try Again Later"...

[|MYT|Torq]

He He He He Good Ones Bags & Taran......



Must find some............................

[|MYT|Torq]

A Little Tickler...


It was entertainment night at the senior center, and the Amazing Claude
> was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed
> hypnotist do his stuff.
>
> As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced,Unlike
> most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a
> trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'
>
> The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
> antique pocket watch from his coat.
>
> 'I want each one of you to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a
> very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.'
>
> He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
> chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...'
>
> The crowd was mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
> gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed
> the swaying watch until suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's
> fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred
> pieces..........................
>
> 'SH*T!' said the hypnotist...
>
> It took three days to clean up the senior center.

[Taran]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as
her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands
together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be
all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked 'How does that feel?'

He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'

[Reypointss]

I have one, i dont know if this grosses you out(im in the hospital so i could be off)

It was the first day of school. Everyone was in the class except for 4 students. After class started, a student walked in the class. The teacher asked "Why are you late Justin?" "I was on top of blueberry hill." Five minutes later another student walks in. "And why are you late Jack?" "I was on top of blueberry hill" "Ok Jack, take a seat." Then again, another student walks in. "Ok Brad, why are you late?" "I.." "Let me guess, you were on top of blueberry hill?" "Yes i was" "Ok, TAKE A SEAT. Is that now everyone?" Then walks in the 4th student. "Ok, i dont know you, so whats your name and why are you late?" "My name is Blueberry Hill teacher"

[Bagwell]

[Taran]

HOW TO CATCH A LION

Newton 's Method:

Let, the lion catch you.
For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
Implies you caught lion.




Einstein Method:

Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion.
Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon.
Now you can trap it easily.




Software Engineer Method:

Catch a cat and claim that your testing has proven that its a Lion.
If anyone comes back with issues tell that you will upgrade it to Lion.




Indian Police Method:

Catch any animal and interrogate it & torture it to accept that its a lion .



George bush method:

Link the lion with Osama bin laden and shoot him!!!

[|MYT|Torq]

He He He Good One M8ys...

Another from me....................

ONE DAY AT THE VETS

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they
> struck up a conversation.
>
> The black Lab turned to the chocolate Lab and said, 'So why are you
> here?'
>
> The chocolate Lab replied, 'I'm a pisser. I piss on everything... the
> sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last
> night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed.'
>
> The black Lab said, 'So what is the vet going to do?'
>
> 'Gonna cut my nuts off,' came the reply from the chocolate Lab. 'They
> reckon it'll calm me down.'
>
> The black Lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, 'Why are you
> here?'
>
> The yellow Lab said, 'I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers
> and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the
> carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole
> in my owner's couch.'
>
> 'So what are they going to do to you?' the black Lab inquired. 'Looks
> like I'm losing my nuts too', the dejected yellow Lab said.
>
> The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab and asked, 'Why are you
> here?'
>
> 'I'm a humper,' the black Lab said. 'I'll hump anything. I'll hump the
> cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump
> everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower
> and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself.
> I
> hopped on her back and started hammering away'.
>
> The yellow and chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, 'So, nuts
> off for you too, huh?'
>
> The black Lab said....'No, I'm here to get my nails clipped.'

[Taran]

lool

[Verwolf]

Last one really weird o_O
Seen movie where 1 dog tried to f*** man leg

[|MYT|Torq]

I Quicky....


Irish Diet

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a full day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 POUNDS!

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from flippin skippin", the Irishman said.

[|MYT|Torq]

YET MORE :

An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work
on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If
I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump
off this building.'

The Mexican! opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get
burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'

The blonde opened his lunch and said, 'Bologna again! If I get a bologna
sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and
cabbage, and jumped to his death.


The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as
well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known
how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have
given it to him again!'

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or
enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'


(Oh this is GOOD!!)?

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,


'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.'