Torq's Ticklers

[|MYT|Aciidc0der]

nice elbow!

[FroZenFury]

Excellent stuff m8!!!!

[|MYT|Torq]

YET MORE TICKLERS


There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the
way this old guy handled it.
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An 86 year old man walked into a crowded Doctor's Waiting Room. As
he approached the desk, the Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"
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"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
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The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded Doctor's Room and say things like that."
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"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
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The Receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."
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The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out,
waited several minutes and then re-entered.
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The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
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"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
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The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
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"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
>>>

The Waiting Room erupted in laughter.
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>

[Heebo]

joke has a good point too.

[Taran]

[BigKev]

>A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when
>suddenly a
>brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
>The driver, a
>young man in a Prada suit, Gucci shoes, Dior sunglasses and
>D+G tie,
>leans out the window and asks the shepherd: "If I tell you
>exactly how
>many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
>
>The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks
>at his
>peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers: "Sure. Why not?"
>
>The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook
>computer, connects
>it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet,
>where
>he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix
>on
>his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that
>scans
>the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man
>then opens the
>digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image
>processing
>facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an
>email on
>his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data
>stored.
>He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC
>connected Excel
>spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulae. He uploads
>all of this
>data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes,
>receives a
>response.
>Finally, he prints out a full-colour,
>150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet
>printer, turns
>to the shepherd and says:
>"You have exactly 1,586 sheep".
>
>That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep," says
>the
>shepherd.
>
>He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks
>on amused
>as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car. Then the
>shepherd
>says to the young man: "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your
>business is, will you give me back my sheep?" The young man
>thinks about
>it for a second and then says:
>"Okay, why not?".
>"You're a consultant," says the shepherd.
>"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie. "But how did you
>guess that?"
>"No guessing required," answers the shepherd. "You showed
>up here even
>though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer
>I already
>knew, to a question I never asked, and you know f****all about
>my
>business."
>"Now give me back my dog."

[BigKev]

>An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands.
>He walks into a bar and Jill (the Australian Barmaid) takes his
>order, a Fosters, and notices his accent. Over the course of the
>night they get to know each other.
>
>At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to
>his place and have sex with him. Although she is attracted to
>him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for sex. Jill is
>travelling the world and because she is short of funds she
>agrees.
>
>The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after
>showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if
>she will sleep with him again for $200. Jill remembers the night
>before and is only too happy to agree.
>
>This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in,
>orders Fosters and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that if she pays
>him more some attention then maybe she can then shake some
>more cash out of him again, so she goes over and sits next to
>him.
>
>She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her:
>"Melbourne".
>
>"So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?"
>
>"Glen Iris" he replies
>
>"That's amazing..." she says, "So am I - what Street?"
>
>"Cameo Street" he replies
>
>"This is unbelievable..." she says,"What number?"
>
>He says "Number 20" and she is totally astonished.
>
>"You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 22! My
>parents still live there!"
>
>"I know..." he says, "Your Father gave me $1,000 to give to
>you"
>
>HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN THINKS AUSTRALIAN!
>

[Taran]

>A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when
>suddenly a
>brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
>The driver, a
>young man in a Prada suit, Gucci shoes, Dior sunglasses and
>D+G tie,
>leans out the window and asks the shepherd: "If I tell you
>exactly how
>many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
>
>The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks
>at his
>peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers: "Sure. Why not?"
>
>The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook
>computer, connects
>it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet,
>where
>he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix
>on
>his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that
>scans
>the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man
>then opens the
>digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image
>processing
>facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an
>e*mail on
>his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data
>stored.
>He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC
>connected Excel
>spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulae. He uploads
>all of this
>data via an e*mail on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes,
>receives a
>response.
>Finally, he prints out a full-colour,
>150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet
>printer, turns
>to the shepherd and says:
>"You have exactly 1,586 sheep".
>
>That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep," says
>the
>shepherd.
>
>He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks
>on amused
>as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car. Then the
>shepherd
>says to the young man: "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your
>business is, will you give me back my sheep?" The young man
>thinks about
>it for a second and then says:
>"Okay, why not?".
>"You're a consultant," says the shepherd.
>"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie. "But how did you
>guess that?"
>"No guessing required," answers the shepherd. "You showed
>up here even
>though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer
>I already
>knew, to a question I never asked, and you know f****all about
>my
>business."
>"Now give me back my dog."

[|MYT|Torq]

YET MORE

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Wow," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the ?200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me ?cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for ?20; just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers ?20 and walks out with the parrot.


Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie
and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."

Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

[Taran]

Hahahahahaahhahahahahaahahahaha Nice one M8 hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah

[|MYT|Aciidc0der]

somehow i sensed that coming

[BigKev]

>Subject: Sick Leave
>
>
>
>I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the
>Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought
>that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to
>take a few days off. So I hung upside down from the
>ceiling and made funny noises.
>
>My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing?
>I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so
>that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a
>few days off.
>
>A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and
>asked "What are you doing ? I told him I was a light
>bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home
>and recuperate for a couple of days."
>
>I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my
>co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss said to
>her, "And where do you think you're going?
>
>
>
>(You're gonna love this..... )
>
>
>
>She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the
>dark!"

[Taran]

Comeon Torq we need some more tickler from you M8

[Oxyurenus]

[Griffin]

One day, leaning on the bar, Jack says to Mike
"My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a Doctor!"
"Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies. "There's a new diagnostic computer at Tesco Pharmacy. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid.....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points".

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.
He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.
He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks".

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a
stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and the cat, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back
to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer printed the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) Your cat's having kittens. Get a vet
3) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
4) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
5) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
6) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better........

Thank you for shopping at Tesco.