Torq's Ticklers

[|MYT|KontenSchieter]

One night, after a long evening of drinking, Jim was thrown out of the bar as usual. On his way home he spotted a nun walking down the road.

After looking at her twice he ran over and tackled her, then proceeded to beat the living sh*t out of her.

Some people passing by spotted this and called the police.

As the police were pulling him away in handcuffs he looked back and said, "I thought you'd be tougher than that, Batman!."

[|MYT|Torq]

This From American Court...:


ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[CodeBlack]

lol @ both

[Taran]

An American woman, a British woman, and an Italian woman were having lunch. The American woman said, "I told my husband that I wasn't going to clean the house anymore. If he wanted it clean, he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I didn't see anything. The second day I didn't see anything. Then, on the third day, voila! My husband had cleaned the whole house!"

The British woman agreed. "I told my husband that I wasn't going to do the laundry anymore. If he wanted it done he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I didn't see anything. The second day, I didn't see anything. Then, on the third day, voila! My husband had done both his and my laundry!"

The Italian woman chimed in, "I told my husband that I wasn't going to cook anymore. If he wanted home cooking he would have to either go by his mother or cook for himself. After the first day, I didn't see anything. The second day, I didn't see anything. Then, on the third day, I began to see a little out of my left eye."

[|MYT|Torq]

Another Tickler...

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'
She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have sex with a nun.'

She responds,
'Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, You have to be single
#2, You must be Catholic.
# 3, I have to save my virginity, you will have to enter me from behind.

The cab driver is very excited and says,
'Yes, I'm single, Catholic, and Im happy to enter from behind!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfills his fantasy, in a way that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish..'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to fancy dress party.'

[CodeBlack]

hahahaa good one mate

[|MYT|Torq]

YET ANOTHER

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked
robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily
the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it
was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a
healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in
tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a pee and this
bullet
came out," replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom,
I was taking a pee and this bullet came out." Again the mother told her
not to worry and explained what happened 16 years
ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the
Mom, "I know what happened You were taking a pee and a bullet came out."

"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."

[CodeBlack]

lol!

[CodeBlack]

Little Johnny strikes again....



The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.'

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried

[|MYT|Torq]

Good one M8...

[|MYT|Torq]

Another :


A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, 'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.



'From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked.. When I say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night.' The next night he came home from work and yelled, ' BELL 1!' The wife promptly took all her clothes off.



When he yelled 'BELL 2!', the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled 'BELL 3!', they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!' 'What the hell is BELL 4?' asked the husband?


'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,' she replied, 'YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.'

[Sinaas]

hehe nice one Torq m8

[CodeBlack]

hahahaa

[|MYT|Torq]

YET More...


The Vicar??™s Salary.

The local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation
that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one
wants him to leave.

Mike Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Southland and Otago,
stands up and proclaims: 'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a
new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport
their children!'

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, If
the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and
establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education
of his children!'

More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, if the Vicar
stays, I will give him sex.'

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her: 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you
to say that?'

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to
side, while his wife replies: 'Well, I just asked my husband how we
could help, and he said, '**** the Vicar'.

[CodeBlack]

hahhaa