Torq's Ticklers

[Taran]

lol nice one mate.

here's one from me:

A wife was very unhappy with her car and complained a lot to her husband.

Knowing her birthday was coming up shortly, she said to her husband...
'Buy me a surprise for my birthday!' she said.
'Something that accelerates from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds! And I would prefer a blue one!'

Happy and excited she was counting down the days to her birthday.

And on the day she finally she got the beautiful present her husband thoughtfully bought....
.
.
.
.
This === >http://img127.imageshack.us/img127/240/machineix1.jpg

The poor guy is dead today, and his wife's in jail for murder !

[Verwolf]

lmao failed
and by 0 to 100 means "KG"?

[|MYT|Torq]

Good One ...

ANOTHER FROM ME :

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
>
> Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
>
> 'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
>
> 'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
>
> 'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.
>
> After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
>
> 'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
>
> 'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
>
> 'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
>
> 'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
>
> 'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
>
> 'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
>
> The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
>
> 'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
>
> 'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
>
> 'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
>
> 'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
>
> 'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
>
> 'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
>
> Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
>
> 'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
>
> 'Tripod?'
>
> 'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
> Mrs. Smith fainted

[Taran]

ahahahahha

[Bagwell]

eheheheheheheh

[|MYT|Alexis]

Heheheeeheee.... Good good good!!! M8ys

[|MYT|Torq]

YET MORE :

Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said 'Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over'.

So the mortician rolled him over.

Seamus looked and said 'Nope, it ain't Paddy'.

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to
identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, 'Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over'.

The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, 'No, it ain't
Paddy'.

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Sean said, 'Well, Paddy had two a---holes.'

'What??' said the mortician.

'Yup, everyone knew he had two a---holes. Every time we went into town,
folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....'

[Taran]

hahahahha

[|MYT|Torq]

YET MORE :

Frugality at its tightest :



The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to
place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack
of underwear. 'Good God, Daphne! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?' he
demands.
'Well you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'
He immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of
decency, here's 50 pounds. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee ..her
skirt also flies up to show that she is not wearing any knickers either.
Jesus, Mary and Joseph, Bridget! Where are your knickers?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the allowance you give me.' He
reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's 20 pounds.
Go and buy yourself some underwear!'


Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt
over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. 'Sweet mudder of
Jaysus! Aggie. Where the frig are yer drawers?'
She also explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta
affarrd any.'
He reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love o' Jaysus 'n
the sake of decency...here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a wee bit.

[CodeBlack]

hahaha.. nice one mate

[CodeBlack]

PRONUNCIATION:

Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town??™s name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee,??? Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are??¦very slowly????

The blonde leaned over the counter and said, ???Burrrrrrrrr gerrrrrrrrr Kiiiiiiiing.???

[|MYT|Torq]

He He He Nice one Code M8....

YET MORE (tiny tickler) :

A pensioner comes out of a shoe shop a immediately goes into the
chemists next door.
He goes to the pharmacist at the counter and asks if they sell viagra in
individual tablets.
The pharmacist says yes they could do that. The pensioner says fine,
could he take 1, but could they cut it up into 4 pieces for him.
Certainly sir, said the pharmacist but I must warn you that taking such
a small amount would not guarantee a full erection.
I don't care about that, said the pensioner - I just want it to stick
out enough so that I don't `pea' on my new slippers!

[Reypointss]

Nice Torq, i heard that one before.

[CodeBlack]

hehehe

[|MYT|Torq]

YET MORE......


An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advise in reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! 'Twas horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'
''Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!'