Torq's Ticklers

[Mark]

I pulled an older woman at a club last night.
She was a right sort for 57, we drank a bit, had a bit of a snog & she asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter threesome?
I said no.
We drank a bit more,then she says that tonight was my lucky night.
I went back to her house.
She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs...

'Mum....you awake?'

[Taran]

I pulled an older woman at a club last night.
She was a right sort for 57, we drank a bit, had a bit of a snog & she asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter threesome?
I said no.
We drank a bit more,then she says that tonight was my lucky night.
I went back to her house.
She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs...

'Mum....you awake?'

lool

[Bagwell]

uuuhhh......


[smilie=confused0054.gif]

[FroZenFury]

Thats a terrible story Mark! That would be a nightmare!

[BigKev]

> Dear Alcohol,
>
> First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours.
> As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The
> perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even
> around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us
> when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.
> However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions.
> While I want to believe that you have my best interests at
> heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise
> consequences:
>
> 1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is
> important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of
> substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you
> make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a
> fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone
> all hours of the night?
>
> 2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you
> suggest that I eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a
> sausage with cheese, onion and mustard (washed down with
> WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few sweet chilli and
> sour cream red rock chips)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think
> you went too far this time.
>
> 3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I
> need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to
> hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's
> completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear
> on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.
>
> Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get
> the front door key into the lock.
>
> 4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is
> getting ridiculous. I know little penance for our previous
> evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover
> immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I
> ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, Vitamin B,
> bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out
> facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the
> hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily
> activities.
>
> Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now &
> would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been
> the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter,
> and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do
> with the extra money in my pockets.
>
> In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully
> review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will
> look for an answer no later than Friday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on
> your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful
> partnership.
>
> Thank you,
>
> Your biggest fan
>
> P.S.
>
> THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
>
> 1. Innovative
>
> 2. Preliminary
>
> 3. Proliferation
>
> 4. Cinnamon
>
> THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN
> DRUNK:
>
> 1. Specificity - (can't say this one sober)
>
> 2. British Constitution
>
> 3. Passive-aggressive disorder
>
>
> THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY
> WHEN DRUNK:
>
> 1. Thanks, but I don't want to have s*x.
>
> 2. Nope, no more beer for me.
>
> 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
>
> 4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
>
> 5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

[Mark]

sooooo true mate.................................soooooooo true

[|MYT|Torq]

[Bagwell]

hahahahaha:) nice:) and VERY true!

[|MYT|Torq]

ANOTHER TICKLER

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most
of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore
tonight Paddy."

Paddy replies, "Okay Mick, I'll be on my way then."

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls
flat on his face.

"Shoite," he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts
himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,

"Shoite, shoite!"

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he
can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door
frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh
air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls
flat on his face.

"Bi' Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door,
hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies
inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says, "No fockin' way".

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says, "I
can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls
flat on his face.

He says, "Fock it", and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room
carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit
to drink last night?".

Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"

"Mick the bartender phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub."
------------------------------------------

[deadhunter]

ANOTHER TICKLER

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most
of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore
tonight Paddy."

Paddy replies, "Okay Mick, I'll be on my way then."

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls
flat on his face.

"Shoite," he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts
himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,

"Shoite, shoite!"

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he
can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door
frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh
air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls
flat on his face.

"Bi' Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door,
hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies
inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says, "No fockin' way".

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says, "I
can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls
flat on his face.

He says, "Fock it", and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room
carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit
to drink last night?".

Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"

"Mick the bartender phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub."
------------------------------------------

ah great one m8

[Mark]

After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who
was

>already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When
>he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing
>a long flowing white robe.
>"Who the hell are you?", demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my
>bedroom?"
>The mysterious man answered, "This isn't your bedroom, and I'm St
Peter".
>Brian was stunned. "You mean I'm dead? That can't be, I have so much
to

>live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send
me

>back straight away."
>St Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated, but there is a catch.
>We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
>Brian was devastated, but
>knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent
>back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and
>clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad,"
>he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
>The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen.
>How are you enjoying your first day here?
>"It's not so bad," replied Brian, "but I have this strange feeling
>inside like I'm about to explode."
>"You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never
laid
>an egg before."
>"Never," replied Brian.
>"Well, just relax and let it happen." And so he did, and after a few
>uncomfortable seconds later, an egg popped out from under his tail. An
>immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the
>better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
>When
>he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and
>he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had
>happened to him... ever!!!
>The joy kept coming, and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he
felt
>an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting,
>"Brian! Wake up, you drunk b*stard, you're sh*tting the bed."

[|MYT|Aciidc0der]

keep em coming!!!!!

[BigKev]

A Father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders
of nature through innocent eyes.

Suddenly she stopped and stared at the ground. He went to see what
work of God had captured her attention.

He noticed she was watching two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing? " she asked.
"They're mating", her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top", she asked
"That's a Daddy long Legs", her father answered.
"So the other one is a Mommy Long Legs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question
he replied,
"No dear, both of them are Daddy Long Legs".

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

The Little girl, looking a bit puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.



"Well, were not having any of that poofter **** in our garden", she said.

[|MYT|Torq]

[BigKev]

>I have a big dog & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in
>Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till.
>
>A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
>
>On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet
>again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in
>the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I woke
>up in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of
>my orifices, and IVs in both arms.
>
>I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that
>it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets
>and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that
>the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
>
>I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue
>was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who
>was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the
>hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told
>her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my
>arse and a car hit me.
>
>I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack: he was
>laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
>
>Stupid c*w...........why else would I buy dog food??
>