Torq's Ticklers

[BigKev]

>Number One Idiot of 2006
>
>I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology
>at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very
>upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I
>quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be
>no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and
>at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her
>daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her
>that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.
>
>Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
>
>
>Number Two Idiot of 2006
>
>Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided
>to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in
>getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a
>float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming
>towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the
>emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.
>They are no longer employed at Boeing.
>
>Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
>
>
>Number Three Idiot of 2006
>
>A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into
>the Branch and wrote this. "Put all your muny in this bag." While
>standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to
>worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the
>police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of
>America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting
>a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller.
>She read it, and surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the
>brightest light in the
>
>harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because
>it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would
>either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank
>of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left.
>He
>was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at
>Bank of America.
>
>Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it
>anyway.
>
>
>Number Four Idiot of 2006
>
>A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap
>that; measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He
>later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.
>Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of
>$40.
>Several days later, he received a letter from the police that
>contained another picture, this time of handcuffs.
>
>He immediately mailed in his $40.
>
>Wise guy........ but you still get a sign
>
>
>Number Five Idiot of 2006
>
>A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and
>demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put
>the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted
>behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the
>bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't
>believe you are over 21."
> The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him
>because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his
>driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk
>looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put
>the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his
>loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and
>address of the robber that she got off the license. They arrested the
>robber two hours later.
>
>This guy definitely needs a sign.
>
>
>Idiot Number Six of 2006
>
>A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously
>waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his
>partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
>
>This guy doesn't even deserve a sign
>
>
>Idiot Number Seven of 2006
>
>Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He
>decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store
>window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and
>heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back
>knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made
>of
>Plexi- Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
>
>Yep, Here's your sign.
>
>(Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote)
>
>
>IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
>
>I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the
>local township administrative office to request the removal of the
>Deer Crossingsign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being
>hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to
>be crossing anymore."
>
>From Kingman , KS .
>
>
>IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
>
>My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She
>asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he
>was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
>
>He was a Chef? Yep...From Kansas City !
>
>
>IDIOT SIGHTING:
>
>I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport
>Employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without
>your
>knowledge? To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how
>would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
>
>Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
>
>
>IDIOT SIGHTING:
>
>The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the
>street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of
>mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it
>signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded,
>"What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
>
>She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS .
>
>
>IDIOT SIGHTING:
>
>This happened at a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear
>coworker. She was leaving the company due to" downsizing." Our
>manager
>commented cheerfully,
>"This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word
>was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-
>headlights stare.
>
>This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.
>
>
>IDIOT SIGHTING:
>
>I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into
>itself and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her
>system would not turn on.
>
>A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.
>
>
>IDIOT SIGHTING:
>
>When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to
>pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went
>to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to
>unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I
>instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was
>unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!" His reply,
>"I know - I already got that side."
>
>This was at the CHEVY dealership in Canton , Mississippi !
>
>STAY ALERT! They walk among us .. and they REPRODUCE!!!

[|MYT|Torq]

GOOD ONE M8

[Burrows]

HAHA! Are these true stories?

[FroZenFury]

Hahaha!! I have had so many laughs with these jokes and thats why I will say this once again: KEEP EM COMING!!!

[|MYT|Aciidc0der]

more more more!!!!

[|MYT|Torq]

THREE MORE


A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
"I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but
then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail
Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked
over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw
that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and
according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------
--

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon
entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have
sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said! , "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate
love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons
into a glass and then drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

------------------------------------------------------------------------
--

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up

two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex
with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old .. I'm telling everybody."

[AnT]

looooooooool

[AnT]

I pulled an older woman at a club last night.
She was a right sort for 57, we drank a bit, had a bit of a snog & she asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter threesome?
I said no.
We drank a bit more,then she says that tonight was my lucky night.
I went back to her house.
She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs...

'Mum....you awake?'

Alittle behind but love this joke bro..... That sort of thing would happen to me

[AnT]

Italian guy, when i finsh making aluv to my girlafriend i go down an gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6inch above da bed in ecstasy.
Frienchman, zat is nothin, wen i finish wiv ze girl i kiss her all ze way down her body zen lick ze soles of ze feet, she floats 12inch above ze bed in ectasy.
Englishman, wen im dun riding our lass, i get out of bed n wipe me knob on the curtains. She hits the fooking roof!

[|MYT|Torq]

[|MYT|Torq]

ANOTHER TICKLER

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the
lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next
to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with
Him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain
eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's
go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned
against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your
ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these
breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my
butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.

How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered .... "Outside, when you said you
heard someone coming.... that was me."

[Scofield]

I must say mate, when I'm bored at work it's always great to see new post in the "tickler"-thread. Good one, cheers

[FroZenFury]

GOOD ONE TORQ MATE!

[|MYT|Aciidc0der]

nice TORQ...keep em coming!!!

[|MYT|Torq]

ANOTHER TICKLER


I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following

reasons:

> >>>>?· I do physical labour

> >>>>?· I work at great depths

> >>>>?· I plunge headfirst into everything I do

> >>>>?· I do not get weekends or holidays off

> >>>>?· I work in a damp environment

> >>>>?· I work in a dark area with poor ventilation

> >>>>?· I work in an area with high temperatures

> >>>>?· My work exposes me to contagious diseases



Sincerely,

The Penis









Dear Mr. Penis,

After assessing your request and considering the arguments you

have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following

reasons:

> >>>>?· You do not work 8 hours straight

> >>>>?· You fall asleep after brief work periods

> >>>>?· You do not always follow the orders of the management team

> >>>>?· You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations

> >>>>?· You do not take initiative

> >>>>?· You need to be pressured and stimulated to start working

> >>>>?· You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift

> >>>>?· You don?t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing

> >>>>?· You will retire before you are 65

> >>>>?· You are unable to work double shifts

> >>>>?· You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task

> >>>> And if that were not enough, you are constantly seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.



Sincerely,

The Management