Torq's Ticklers

[|MYT|Torq]

Thx Alexis.....Nice

Another Tickler from Me


Tips for sunburn


A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, doctor'?

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.??™

[AnT]

LOL peeps,

A little one from me....


As a drunk guy staggers out of the bar one Friday evening, a fire engine races past, siren wailing and lights flashing.

Immediately, the drunk starts chasing the engine, running as fast as he can until eventually he collapses, gasping for breath.

In a last act of desperation he shouts after the fire engine, "If that's the way you want it, you can keep your bloody ice creams!"



Maybe something id do

[|MYT|Hest]

LOL peeps,

A little one from me....


As a drunk guy staggers out of the bar one Friday evening, a fire engine races past, siren wailing and lights flashing.

Immediately, the drunk starts chasing the engine, running as fast as he can until eventually he collapses, gasping for breath.

In a last act of desperation he shouts after the fire engine, "If that's the way you want it, you can keep your bloody ice creams!"



Maybe something id do

[|MYT|Hest]

heard that one last week dont know if i wrote it right but it is funny

One boy plays counter strike in a dark room whit hes headphones on
then hes mother comes and says '' pls come to eat and take the curtains away from window.''
boy doesn't hear anything and doesn't respond
then mother goes to the window and takes curtains away from window and boy
leans back and shouts ''don't flash, don't flash!''

[|MYT|Alexis]

Heheheeeeee Nice Torq... AnT... Hest

[CodeBlack]

lol nice one guys

[|MYT|Alexis]

Cannibal Fruit

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

[|MYT|Torq]

Nice one Alexis .......

[CodeBlack]

hahaha

[|MYT|Torq]

Another Tickler :

Black Panties


Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out

of her mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging

her to get back into the world. Finally, Karen says she'd go out, but didn't

know anyone.



Her daughter immediately replies: "Mom, I have someone for you to meet.

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating

for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.


Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude

except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit.

Looking at her he asks: "Why the black panties?


She replies: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore,

but down there I am still in mourning."


He knows he's not getting lucky that night...



The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the

black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit ... except that he is

wearing a black condom.


She looks at him and asks: "What's with this black condom?"


He replies: "I want to offer my deepest condolences"

[JamieB]

I don't know if this one has been posted but here goes....

A man goes to the doctors,
"What seems to be the problem?" says the doc
"
It's my wife" says man "she is ill and I can't work out whether she has AIDS or Alzheimers disease"

"well there's an easy way to find out" says the Doc

"Drive her into town, drop her there, if she finds her way home, don't f**k her



p.s. i hope this is not offensive to anyone , if it is I apologize!

[JamieB]

Oh yeah, just remebered this one as well!

I pulled a bird last night with brittle bones disease..


What a little cracker

[|MYT|Torq]

An Attorney Tickler


ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did
you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes. It's possible he could have been alive - and practising law.

[eatit]

A few from me;

Some random facts.....
An elephant shits half its weight in 2 days.

A man's penis is 3 times the length of his thumb.

2 multiplied by 2 equals 4.

A woman would have finished reading this by now, but a man would still be checking the size of his thumbs.




A vicar books into a hotel and says to the hotel clerk
"I hope the porn channel is my room is disabled?"
She says "No sir, it's just regular porn. You sick bastard."




I like this one!
Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is."

Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?"

Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."

That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.

The next morning he reported to his father.

Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is."

Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"

Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of $hit."









And finally...
Walking round Tesco doing the weekly food shop I noticed Stella was on offer. 20 bottles for ??10 so I proceeded to load them into the trolly...

Wife: You know we are on a budget - put them back
Me: but...
Wife: Glare
Me: but, but...
Wike: More serious glare
Me: Puts Stella back and sulks

A little later on we were picking up Shampoo, toothpaste and the likes and I notice she is looking at beuty products she picks up some sort of Olay like product and puts it in the trolly...

Me: You know we are on a budget
Me: Glares
Wife: But its only ??20 and its been reduced
Me: Glares
Wife: And it makes me look beautiful
Me: The Stella does that and its half the price!!!
Wife: GLARES BIG TIME!

[Bagwell]

A woman would have finished reading this by now, but a man would still be checking the size of his thumbs.

Totally happened!